Sunday, August 17, 2008

We should've burned stockings not bras

I have SO had enough of pantyhose. I know, I know, all the injustice in the world and I reach boiling point over a layer of sheer something I use to cover my legs. It seems wrong somehow. Shallow. Inconsequential. But I am reserving the kind of loathing for stockings that I usually have for animal cruelty and the girl that comes into work each day with a different fur item on (no, I do NOT care if they were your grandmothers!!!!).
But back to pantyhose. Firstly, they do NOT keep you warm in winter. Not even vaguely. I'm not sure if this was ever used as a selling proposition, but my mother always used to tell me to go put tights on because I'd freeze otherwise. Newsflash Mum - I'm still freezing. Yesterday i stood at the tramstop completely certain I had tucked my skirt into my pants, so cold was the arctic wind up my leg tunnel.
Secondly, what in the history of fashion do we pay so much for for so little return?
  • Monday - buy stockings - ladder stockings by my second coffee
  • Tuesday - buy stockings - rip a massive hole in the butt of them yanking them up. Figure I can get away with this and wear them anyway, even though hole gets bigger as the day progresses
  • Wednesday - Wear a pair I picked up at the Bonds Factory Outlet for 3.95 (marked down from 19.95, which is my only excuse for not hearing the alarm bells). Put stockings on. Think to self 'hmmm, these are a little inflexible." Stockings look lovely on the leg, but unfortunately only cover half my butt. As the day wears on and I make the fatal mistake of walking around, the stockings fall down...
    until I am forced to penguin walk to the toilets before they drop to my ankles.
  • Thursday - figuring there has to be a better way - go to specialised stocking shop and invest in a pair of thicker denier fishnetty numbers. Feel very sexy and urban until I realise my massive calves turn the fishnets into something more akin to a fish trawler. Unsexy. But at least they last the entire day with no mishap.
  • Friday - get smart and wear pants.
Really, 'get smart and wear pants' should have happened on Tuesday - but nobody every said I was a fast learner.


Matilda said...

Joe Namath used to wear panty hose when he was playing for the NY Jets. Said they kept his legs warm... hmmmm... why aren't they keeping yours warm?

Robyn E said...

I think it's just too cold out there! The pantyhose don't stand a chance.

gabriellel66 said...

They're designed by men, that's all there is to it. However, I read an article in...the L.A. Times?...that said more and more men are starting to wear them. So look for the quality to improve ;-)

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard when I read this! Brought back all those terrible memories of high school and childhood when I was forced to wear them! Thank god for pants is all I can say!!
Thanks for the laugh...I needed it!

Robyn E said...

Gen - glad to oblige :-) Come watch me be unco and laugh anytime.

Gabrielle - Wha??? men wearing stockings?? With codpieces? lol

gabriellel66 said...

Check this out:

Yeahhhh. I really don't know what to think.